Choking Back your Full Expression?
I was six years old, and I’d been drawing a beautiful mural on the wall of my bedroom. With crayon. Yeah, I suppose I knew we weren’t “supposed” to draw with crayon on the wall. But hey, it was so beautiful! How could that be wrong? I was ecstatic with my work of art.
As a child who was always supported to be artistic, it didn’t occur to me that my mom would not want my crayon masterpiece all over the wall. But when she walked into my room, her whole body went rigid and she yelled at me, as she started to do that panic-y breath thing we all do when we are afraid or overwhelmed.
“What have you DONE!? Your father will be home any minute?”
Her voice went up high in pitch like a squeal at the end of her sentence.
And little 6 year old me – I was standing there shocked into silence, because I hadn’t seen this one coming! And then the cries of anguish escaped my lips… I was wailing – my shock, my horror, my shame, my confusion – it was all wailing through me.
And then we both heard it – the automatic garage door going up. Dad was home. Home from a long day at work as a district attorney. And the one thing he really needed when he got home was some quiet time to arrive and relax.
Mom looked at me with wild open eyes, and a tight set jaw.
“You stop crying right NOW,” she said. “You have nothing to cry about. I’m going to have to clean this up. This is the last thing I need right now. Your dad is coming in here, and he is not going to like this. So you suck up those tears right now. Stop it. Stop.”
“Choke back those tears. Choke them back.”
And I remember the feeling of “choking” back tears. I shut my throat hard. I set my own jaw in tension, like hers. And I pouted. Lower lip out. Eyes downcast. I collapsed on my bed in a small heap, feeling very sad.
My throat burned.
- I heard dad come through the front door and drop his keys on the side table.
- I heard his briefcase drop on the floor.
- I heard him greet my mom.
- I heard her weeping to him that she’s just had a hard time with me.
- He comforted her, and then they were in the kitchen, bustling around.
No one came for me right away. I stayed quiet. And eventually, I was summoned to my dad, and he gave me “the talk.”
Dad explained why I couldn’t draw on the walls. He explained why mom was upset. He told me all the consequences of my actions. He honestly did a great job of explaining. And I stayed quiet, sullen, and downcast. I kept pouting. And my throat kept burning.
I can still feel the burn in my throat from times like these.
And I know that they are pretty “normal” among all of us.
And these lessons are important useful lessons – how to behave and all.
But these old ouches are still stuck in the throats of many of us.
This kind of old silencing wound is one of the biggest blocks that even the smartest leaders have in claiming their perfect-fit business.
I work with intuitively gifted brilliant folk day in and day out, helping them find the business model and niche that fits them perfectly. Some of these folks already have 6 or 7 figure earning businesses. Many have the money, and the practice, and the clients and all of it…
But they are not yet fully expressed.
Some of them are also experts in helping OTHERS find their purpose, their uniqueness, their ideal focus in life. But they STILL can’t do that for THEMSELVES.
I get it. I rely on a handful of coaches and expert helpers myself to stay on my path. I can’t see it all. Especially when there’s an old wound in my way. Even though I’m an expert seer for others.
- If you know that you have not yet found your full expression…
- If you don’t feel the ecstatic joy of the artist when you do your work every day…
- If you can feel the constriction or burning in your throat that you know is hiding part of your purpose, your message, and the key to your explosion into impact and wealth…
Or maybe there’s another way you can get profound clarity and support to launch you into your next chapter, your next level of success.
I’m here as your ally in this.
Feel free to comment below if you can relate to what I’ve been talking about here!
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